Other People's Memoirs



My sons and myself

 For years I have been fascinated by autobiography, biography and memoir. I've contemplated writing in each format, and my life has certainly been filled with suitable characters and incidents, but my writing skill..? Other people's lives emerge from the pages like a Hollywood movie capturing me with the sights, sounds and smells of each event in every word. When I put pen to paper the words lie flat and trite on the page, like an out of focus black and white print from my youth.

My life has certainly not been boring! I have been blessed and cursed with my fair share of challenges, adventures, and moments of pure joy. I have witnessed a lot of history - world and personal. I have experienced the results of my folly and gained more than a snippet of common sense and wisdom over the years. The problem is that I don't seem to have the confidence to put it in writing even for my own amazement.

At present I am reading Robert Leleux's family memoir "The Living End" it is torturous and funny, reminiscent in places of my own journey and so far from anything I could imagine in other parts. I haven't tried to critique it because it might spoil the experience - I only know it has captured my heart. I would love the opportunity to spend an afternoon with the author. I don't often feel that way!

I began reading the book because I spend a good part of each day with elders and their families who are making their way through the maze of dementia and Alzheimer's. Each day brings a degree of apprehension because the one they love is disappearing and a new person is developing. We tend to see this in negative terms, as loss and not gain, but Robert Leleux offers a fresh perspective, realistic but hopeful. He allows for the fact that what is happening to his beloved grandmother is not necessarily as bleak as we often make it, but that for her at least, there is an unexpected freedom of spirit.

I am grateful for writers who allow me a peak at a different reality because they are willing to be vulnerable and write what they know and feel with honesty and integrity.

Lent - I'm back blogging

When I decided to begin blogging again I couldn't believe that my last Blog was in 2010. Where did the last year go?

I have no reason to believe that anyone who read my blog in the past will be mildly interested in anything I have to say at this point! I will however follow my desire to write again. If anyone reads and responds I will be delighted, if not I will at least have begun the process.

What kept me from this page was life - and death! 2011 presented a great many challenges with a busy work schedule and a busy life. Working with those who are dying and their families enriched my life but ate up my free time. While serving as chaplain in my own facility I began working with Hospice while they sought a new chaplain. It didn't seem I would be adding much to my schedule, and in some ways I didn't, but I did find my focus was directed in ways other than my own personal pursuits. Life now has settled into a slightly more balanced cycle and thus I hope to spend some time on personal reflection and comment.

The photo above is from the trip we had to Gethsemani Abbey, Kentucky in 2010 it seemed a suitable image with which to begin my Lenten journey. As J. Philip Newell says "From God we came to God we shall return" words I find comforting since my personal journey through life has zig-zagged along many a varied path. Some of those paths I am sure were not sanctioned by God, but that in God's mercy I survived and my feet returned sometimes hesitantly and sometimes thankfully to the path. In a way returning to the blank page feels much like placing my feet back on the path, what lies before me is unknown and I will relish what opens up before me.

So far the first steps on the path of Lent this year have been a failure in terms of the lofty plans and disciplines I had designed for myself. Humbling but exhilarating I am aware that forgiving myself and getting back on a simpler path is all I need for the moment. In the past I would have beaten up on myself and focused on the ways in which I sabotaged my life, at this point I can say "O Wise One - so what did you learn?" This week I will be more gentle with myself and I guess that given past experience the journey will be be more fruitful.

The following Haiku is about a stone I picked up on one of my walks. It sits amidst my collection of stones. I choose this as another symbol for my journey.

                  A promise hidden

                  Journey stone, humbly received

                  White, smooth, gently held.

May I receive my Lenten Path as gift.

Repetition

I don"t know what really got me thinking about repetition, but I found scribbled notes on a brown paper bag related to the topic in the center of my desk. Obviously sometime in the last week or so, when I have been very busy, repetition played on my mind. The notes were covered with a stack of papers, and were obviously so important at the moment that I placed them "front and center." Today I look at them and wonder!

I don't like repetition, I am not an orderly soul, and yet I realize that there are many daily tasks that are required and necessary, and are definitely repetitious. Actually, now I remember, I was cleaning the kitchen after supper and sputtering about the fact that so much of what happened every day was repeated over and over again.

Whether we like it or not, repetition is an important part of daily life. It is a skill to be mastered gracefully. Make the bed. Brush your teeth. Do the dishes. Dust the furniture. Pick up books, papers, shoes.....the list goes on. I remember my son Stephen struggling with the nature of repetition as a second grader. School for him was painful, it required the same daily rituals. One night after a particularly frustrating day he said "Mom why do we have to write our numbers over and over? " My answer, now I realize not very satisfactory,  was something to the effect: "Your teacher wants to make sure you know them." "But Mom, when I have done them right for four pages, doesnt she know that?" Had I been wise enough maybe I could have shared with him the fact that indeed life is filled with repetition. Maybe those early exercises actually have little to do with learning shapes, or math or spelling - maybe they have more to do with preparation for the rest of our life.

I have been fortunate that in my profession as pastor and chaplain there is a great deal of variety in the content of my daily work, even though the overall schedule may look repetitious. No two people every present exactly the same spiritual journey. The scriptures for worship and preaching, while coming from a three year lectionary may seem to contain repetition, in reality they always spring fresh from the page. As I pray the Daily Office, again it may look very similar day to day, month to month or year to year, but what I bring to it, and what I experience in reflection and silence is always different.   

In recent years I have been working on "mindfulness" and that has taught me to realize that even the simple repetitive tasks of daily living, if done mindfully always reveal something new, about myself or the task. For example when I bring all of myself to the slicing of carrots for supper, I notice the richness of the deep orange color, the circles in each slice, the texture and smell. This can connect me with the farmer who grew them, the rain and the sun that swelled the seed and caused it's growth, the amazing fact that the universe supplies us with such an abundance of different foods to choose from. These thoughts can make me aware of  the need for protection of diversity into our world, and the need to live in ways that foster sustainability. All of this from slicing a carrot!

There are times when I find comfort in a repetitive tasks.  Whether I see their benefit or not they remain  a part of the life cycle. As we watch the season change from summer to fall, and move soon to winter, we witness the repetition from life to death to life. It is in the fallow times, when repetition seems arduous that the unseen seeds are germinating, sprouting,  waiting for the right moment to spring to life. May I learn to be patient with my imagination and my soul. May I be willing to stick with a routine whether I see its purpose or not, so that in time I might harvest the fruits that will surely grow.

Blogging Time

I am standing at the kitchen counter waiting for the oven to preheat. You might ask why, or maybe you don't care! I am doing it because every day I say "today I will Blog" bedtime comes and I haven't Blogged. It isn't that I don't have a lot to say, because I have done quite a bit of reflecting in the last month.  I have had some great oppotunities to share with different people in different settings, but I haven't yet put it in writing. Potatoes are in the oven! I am aiming at a concerted effort to Blog regularly.

For most of my life I have dreaded the fall. I used to live in New Hampshire where thousands of people would come to see the fall foliage "leaf peepers" we called them. It always fascinated me and cynically I would say, "they spend hundreds of dollars and hours in driving time  to look at a bunch of dead leaves. At home when the leaves on their plants turn yellow they throw them out". I truly found very little fascination in fall foliage, for me it heralded the grey wet days of October and the impending snows of November before the real winter settled in. So what has changed? In the last two weeks I have been to Our Sacred Space on two occasions, once to lead a retreat and the second time to take our Residents for a Day Away, both times I enjoyed the beauty of the changing leaves, the first sight of my breath in the cold morning air, and the crackling of logs in the big stone fireplace. It seems that as I become more content with myself and accept that change is an integral part of every moment of everyday that I not only accept but enjoy the subtle changes both in the elements and in myself.

I'd like to continue this Blog but my husband just came home from a trip, and it is time to get the rest of dinner under way... unfinished business awaits!

AUGUST ALREADY! ALMOST GONE!

 It seems quite incredible to me that today is August 10, 2010! I began this Blog September 20, 2009, not knowing really how it would go, or what I was doing – maybe still don’t! I viewed it as the beginning of the journey toward my 70th year. My goal to gain some writing discipline that would help me document October 2010-2011. I like to write and never seem to have time, but I know the only way to have time is to make time, so that was my objective. I looked forward to sharing and maybe even exchanging some thoughts with people through the Blog and that has happened both by email and personal conversation. My outreach is small and that is fine, although I am open to more contact with those who share my interests. I have gained boldness and confidence in putting my thoughts out where others can view them at will, something that was always difficult for me. It has never been clear how I can be comfortable speaking in public and yet panic about seeing words on a page. Any other bloggers have that problem? I know there are people who write beautifully and panic at public speaking, so maybe it is a natural phenomenon.

 

I continue to explore Haiku, it feels good, is easier to complete than a sonnet or some other poetic form, and expresses my enjoyment and relationship to the natural world. This summer has provided a number of amazing experiences in the tamed wild. I think it maybe that my awareness is heightened through meditation and that the opportunities were always there. I have been left breathless by the beauty of the skies with the strange weather patterns that have been passing through the Midwest. A pair of Cardinals has charmed me with their daily bathing in the small waterfall that is below our balcony. At times I feel like an intruder as they splash and preen with each other. I visit my favorite Heron spot and have been privileged to witness the arrival of a Trumpeter Swan for a brief stay – these are just a few of the many gifts that the universe has opened to me in these warm summer days. Below is a picture of the Black-Eyed Susan that bloom in profusion in the gardens surrounding our community, their bright colors and nodding heads inspired me.

                         Garden of Sunshine 
                         Black-Eyed Susan nod their heads
                         Summer soon will end.

 

                                                                      - August 8, 2010 CAT

 

 

Catching up 2!

Catching up? I think I need to look at things differently, catching up seems impossible. I think that I should accept the fact that what I do is what I do. Living in the present, mindfully,  is valuable and I think it might be time for me to adopt this practice.

Over the years I have sought to attain "mindfulness",  to focus my attention on what is happening right now. For example as I Blog instead of letting my mind blast off in a thousand directions like a large Roman Candle on the 4th of July, I need to focus on my writing. Feel the keys under my fingers, how they fit gently into the slight hollow the engineer designed to make using the keyboard a more pleasant experience. How with each letter there is indeed, as my husband claims, a click clack of noise. How a moment too long pressing on the keys produces more letters to the word than belong there. How a brief distraction can change the thought being transferred to the page and take the piece in a totally different direction. I need to shape and form the words and sentences into a well crafted piece of writing. Instead.......?

How hard it is to focus. Mindfulness is a practice, and as such it calls for dedicated attention. I have long attributed to myself the name "Butterfly" brain, in any minute I can probably flit through 20 to 50 thoughts. Centering Prayer has helped enrich my meditation time. I have learned over the years not to "catch" the thoughts but let them go, but at other times I tend to follow the the thoughts wherever they lead, even when they lead me far from my orginal path. At one level I appreciate this because it gives me lots of creative ideas, at another level it is very frustrating because it sometimes makes completing a project a much longer process than I anticipated.

If you came to this Blog anticipating that "Catching up 2!" would have filled you in on what has happened in my life recently I apologize, but I thank you for allowing me to explore where I am in the process. I read somewhere a number of years ago that Blogging helped you to find your "voice". For me Blogging is sometimes, like today, an opportunity to discover that nothing of consequence is filling my thoughts today.

Catching up!

In the last week several people have mentioned to me that they read my Blog and are waiting for a new posting. I checked back and couldn’t believe that I hadn’t written anything since May 12. So much for blogging my trip! We had a wonderful time with many interesting and enlightening experiences, and hopefully eventually they will filter into this space.



The rich tapestry of persons and places that filled my days after May 12, were emotionally and spiritually absorbing. At the end of each day I found myself in deep reflection and often Bill and I fell into silence. I have not yet found adequate contemplative time to sift through notes and pictures and put them into words. What I can say is that Berea, Gethsemani Abbey and New Harmony are sacred spaces that profoundly touched my soul.

Soon after I returned from vacation, a close friend of mine died. She was the person who encouraged my writing, and as we shared in conversation she helped me shape my thoughts. I have not yet had time to process that loss, it was profound at many levels.

I have many projects on my plate at the moment, all exciting and challenging, so life is good! If my blog readers will indulge me I am going to try to discipline myself by writing a little every day – even if it is not of great value, or great writing - because I believe that the more I (we?) write the more clarity I (we?) have in our thinking and writing. I would appreciate your comments and sharing on any and all subjects, as you have the time. It is good to know that I have companions on the journey.

My latest haiku below was inspired by my visit to Gethsemani Abbey, in Kentucky.

Daybreak

Mist over the trees

Diamond dew grass under foot

A new day dawning.